235 Years of Democratic Equipment Excellence
From the cobblestones of Paris to the boardrooms of Wall Street
Jacques "The Torch" Beaumont opens first shop in Paris during a period of "increased civic engagement." Business immediately booms as locals express strong opinions about bread prices and aristocratic excesses. Our original forge still stands today (mostly).
During the Reign of Terror, we introduce the "Express Delivery" service - same-day pitchfork delivery to any château in France. Also debut our famous "No Questions Asked" return policy, which remains in effect today.
Three Glorious Days, three new product lines! Introduced the "Barricade Builder's Bundle" and the first portable torch holster. King Charles X reportedly ordered a set "just in case" before his abdication.
Expanded operations across Europe during the "Spring of Nations." Introduced the first ergonomic pitchfork handle and the "Revolutionary Red" torch coating. Sales exceeded expectations in literally every European capital.
Paris Commune adopts our tools as official equipment. Introduced the "Barricade Builder's Special" - a multi-purpose pitchfork that doubles as structural support. This period saw innovations in rapid torch deployment technology.
Opened St. Petersburg branch just in time for increased demand. Developed winter-grade torch fuel that burns at -40°C. Tsar Nicholas II's advisors reportedly bulk-ordered for "agricultural purposes."
Eastern European division sees record growth. Developed cold-weather torches that burn even in Siberian winters. The "Czar's Nightmare" pitchfork becomes our best-selling model of the decade. Introduced workers' discount program.
Released the "¡No Pasarán!" collection featuring lightweight, portable designs perfect for mobile resistance. First use of aircraft aluminum in pitchfork construction. Both sides ordered from us, maintaining our strict neutrality policy.
Modernized designs for a new generation. Lightweight aluminum handles, psychedelic torch flames, and the first "Protest Starter Kit" for college students. Opened stores near major universities worldwide. "Make Love Not War (But Keep a Pitchfork Handy)" campaign wins advertising awards.
Commemorative "Wall Breaker" pitchforks with genuine Berlin Wall fragments in the handle. Introduced reunification discount - buy one from East, get one from West at half price. David Hasselhoff personally endorsed our products.
Y2K-compliant torches introduced. Launched first website with dial-up friendly design. "WTO? WT-No!" promotional campaign sees unprecedented engagement. First biodegradable torch handles debut.
Record sales following "banking irregularities." Introduced the "Wall Street Special" - gold-plated pitchforks that ironically became popular with hedge fund managers. Launched our online store and same-day delivery service. "Too Big to Fail, Not Too Big to Flail" marketing wins industry recognition.
Released camping-friendly torch stands and collapsible pitchforks perfect for long-term occupations. Introduced the "99% Discount" program (proof of income required). Zuccotti Park pop-up store breaks single-day sales records.
Contactless pitchfork delivery via drone. Virtual torch lighting ceremonies. Six-foot social distancing pitchforks ensure safe protesting. Hand sanitizer dispensers built into torch handles. "Mask and Pitchfork" bundle becomes bestseller.
Embracing the future while honoring tradition. Smart torches with LED options, carbon-fiber pitchfork handles, and our new app "UpRise" for coordinating purchases with your local revolutionary cell. AI-powered pitchfork recommendations based on your oppression level. Democracy has never been more convenient!
Every tool is crafted with the same care and attention to detail that toppled monarchies
We source our iron ore from mines with historically significant labor disputes
Heated to 1,789°F (a coincidence, we assure you) for optimal strength
Each strike represents a blow against oppression (and shapes the metal)
Quenched in the tears of the bourgeoisie (actually just saltwater)
Polished to a revolutionary sheen that strikes fear into aristocratic hearts
Tested on replica château gates and portraits of historical oppressors
Excellence recognized by revolutionaries worldwide
Every citizen deserves access to quality uprising equipment, regardless of class, creed, or credit score.
Hand-forged with the same techniques used by angry blacksmiths for centuries. No cheap mass production here.
Eco-friendly torches and sustainably sourced pitchfork handles. Save the planet while restructuring society.
Free workshops on proper pitchfork technique and torch safety. Knowledge is power (to the people).
Supporting local uprisings since 1789. We sponsor community revolts and grassroots movements worldwide.
Our tools are built to last through multiple revolutions. Lifetime warranty included (terms and conditions apply).
Visit our Paris headquarters and explore 235 years of revolutionary history
See where it all began in 1789. Still operational for special orders.
Original receipts from famous revolutionaries, including Robespierre's bulk order.
Portraits of aristocrats who underestimated our products' effectiveness.
Burns continuously since 1789 using our original torch formula.
Daily reenactments of history's greatest uprisings at 14:00 and 17:89.
Miniature pitchforks, torch keychains, and "My Parents Stormed the Bastille" onesies.
Founder & Chief Revolutionary Officer (1761-1823)
A humble blacksmith who noticed his neighbors needed quality equipment for expressing civic displeasure. His motto: "A well-made pitchfork is a cornerstone of democracy." Invented the self-extinguishing safety torch after the unfortunate Versailles incident. Reportedly supplied both Danton and Robespierre, maintaining strict customer confidentiality.
Co-Founder & Head of Distribution (1769-1847)
Jacques's daughter who expanded the family business internationally. Pioneered the "Revolutionary Rewards" customer loyalty program and invented the collapsible travel pitchfork. Famous for saying: "Why should only the French have nice things to revolt with?" Personally delivered pitchforks to the July Revolution of 1830.
Ironic Investor & Quality Assurance (1821-1889)
Former aristocrat who saw the writing on the wall and invested his fortune in the company. His insider knowledge helped us perfect the "Aristocrat's Nightmare" line. Insisted all products be tested on actual castle gates. His autobiography "From Earl to Entrepreneur" remains required reading for all employees.
Chief Innovation Officer (1835-1901)
German chemist who revolutionized torch technology. Developed the long-burning resin formula still used today. His experiments with "democratic combustion" led to torches that burn brighter in the presence of inequality. Nobel Prize committee deemed his work "too politically charged" for consideration.
- Our Mission Since 1789
Company Motto:
"Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité, Qualité"
(Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, Quality)