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The Revolution Will Be Well-Equipped
Serving the 99% Since Before It Was Cool
BROWSE OUR ARSENAL
💰 CEO-to-Worker Pay Ratio: 399:1
🏰 Billionaire Bunkers Built This Year: 47
📈 Wealth Gap: NEW RECORD!
🍞 Bread Prices: ↑ 15%
🎪 Circuses Provided: Insufficient
⚡ Popular Discontent Index: RISING
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The Aristocrat's Nightmare™
ARTISAN CRAFTED
Hand-forged carbon steel pitchfork with ergonomic ash handle. Perfectly balanced for both agricultural work and dramatic castle-storming gestures.
- 5 surgical-grade tines
- Weather-resistant finish
- Lifetime warranty (yours, not theirs)
- Free sharpening service
$299.99
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The Eternal Flame™
PREMIUM ILLUMINATION
Professional-grade torch with long-lasting hemp wrap and our proprietary slow-burn resin. Visible from penthouses up to 3 miles away.
- Burns for 6+ hours
- Wind-resistant design
- Comfortable grip handle
- Eco-friendly materials
$149.99
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The Full Revolutionary Set
BEST VALUE
Everything you need for a proper demonstration of civic engagement. Includes matching pitchfork, torch, and complimentary "Eat the Rich" cookbook.
- Aristocrat's Nightmare™ pitchfork
- Eternal Flame™ torch
- Custom leather carrying straps
- Historical uprising guide
$399.99
Revolutionary Merchandise
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"Trickle Down This" T-Shirt
Premium cotton blend with our iconic pitchfork logo. Available in "Proletariat Black" and "Guillotine Red".
$34.99
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"1789 World Tour" Hoodie
Commemorating history's greatest hits. Features dates from the French Revolution, October Revolution, and "Coming Soon: TBD"
$59.99
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Executive Stress Ball
Shaped like a tiny golden parachute. Squeeze away your economic anxiety!
$19.99
What Our Customers Say
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"The quality is incredible! My great-great-grandfather's pitchfork from 1848 finally has a worthy successor."
- Jacques P., Paris
👩💻
"Bought these for our neighborhood watch program. The gated community next door seems much more interested in income redistribution now!"
- Sarah M., Silicon Valley
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"As a hedge fund manager, I bought several sets. Better to be prepared, you know? The craftsmanship is actually quite exquisite."
- Anonymous, Wall Street